Sunday, October 4, 2009

Funny Birth Plan

This was a birth plan handed to me by a patient. She was funny but serious :)

I am a midwife patient.

We are very excited about our upcoming birth at Phoenix Baptist Hospital and have really enjoyed our experiences with the Bethany Womens Healthcare midwives and all of the staff. In order to help make our birthing experience as enjoyable and positive as possible, we have written this birthing plan. While we hope there are no complications during the birth of our child, we understand that circumstances may require us to re-evaluate our desires. If the need does arise for medication or medical procedures we hope to avoiud, we would like to have everything explained to us as fully as time will permit so that we may give (or my husband's, if I'm unconscious for some odd reason) informed consent.

VAGINAL EXAMS
As mush as I enjoy vaginal exams, I prefer to limit them during the course of this birthing to the following situations:
1. An exam upon admission to the hospital seems appropriate so we all know where we are in this epic adventure together, and to ensure that I am, in fact, in the throes of actual birthing.
2. If progress appears to have seriously stalled, and to be sure that I'm not trying to force a grapefruit through a straw.

MOVEMENT OF MOTHER
I prefer to move around freely during my birthing time, stand on my hand, or assume any other positions I find comfortable.

PERINEAL MASSAGE
I'd love the midwife to massage my perineum with oil during crowning and birth. Peeled grapes and a handsome greek god fanning me with a palm leaf would be ok too. Of course I want to avoid an episotomy, who wouldn't?

THE BIRTH
______ wants to cut the cord, which hopefully won't be clamped or cut until the cord stops pulsating.
Please let ______ announce the gender of the baby. Of course, we are breastfeeding. No one with a birth plan like this would feed his or her kid formula.

PLACENTA
Do feel free to toss it after it is all out. I waive the right to fry it up and eat it. Thanks.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HELPING US TO HAVE A SAFE, JOYFUL BIRTHING EXPERIENCE.

2 comments:

  1. That is funny! A little humor probably goes a long way. :-)

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